Yes sir, I’ve found the cause of your problem.  Spiders have nested on your Dial Up Modem. Id say they’ve been there since ’96.

Bogan, defn. A fascinating beast. The majority of the species are hideously repugnant and unintelligent, and yet they manage to breed in ever-increasing numbers and populate an area known as the outer west. You always get a good enough warning when a Bogan is about to enter the shop because their teeth enter about two [...]