Have you read Lord of the Flies? In grade ten I told my teacher I read it, but really I rented the movie from my local Blockbuster. So imagine my surprise when he told us we would be watching the movie as a class. Not only did I not read the book, but I had to watch the movie twice. What did I learn from Lord of the flies? There isn’t a smoke monster, or a hatch, or a computer that needs to be reset every three hours. There are no OTHERS, there is no light at the centre of the island. Just chaos.

So this week my employer decided to walk out. Not just quit. Not just resign, he walked out, never to return. Without a leader the mood at my workplace became very grim and it was only a matter of time before I turned wild.

It was day two. Low on nourishment and in need of a cheap thrill I decided to utilise my fear tactics I had learned in sales training to try and sell some things. The following is not the right way to sell Anti-Virus.

Customer purchased a computer from me, and asked what antivirus program I recommend. She likes AVG. My reaction is as follows;

“AVG! Are you trying to kill us all!???”

She seemed shocked, so I explained to her the importance of good antivirus software.

“In 1984 an attempt was made on a poor girls life! All because of poor internet security protection! Twenty-six years ago, this was before the internet existed for us consumers, Sarah Connors life was put in jeopardy because some asshole at Skynet put AVG on the Department of Defence computer network. A virus got into the network, and before long, it became self aware. Presumably Chuck Norris round house kicked the virus to the face and it was given the power of conscious thought.”

The customer stood back, mouth agape. I continued

“Soon machines rised from the ground and used up all our power outlets to charge their batteries. There wasn’t enough electricity left to plug in our TV’s to watch Gilmore Girls, or the Season finale of Lost, and the military decided enough was enough and began to take action…. but it was already too late.”

While I was talking, the customer left the store, but I’m pretty sure there was a stoner two aisles down who heard me, and probably thought to himself a wise decision to go and buy a copy of Terminator 2. And thus continues the paradoxical cycle of The Terminator Franchise which may have never existed if the Department of Defense had just used a decent antivirus program.