I always told myself that dumbtruck.net would not be a Soap Box for my rantings, but this is different, its Australia Day!
Let me start by saying I will be at work tomorrow, Australia Day. This means my boss is either a Jew or a Nazi and I haven’t decided which one. But I still plan to spin this rant on a positive note. Let me list some reasons why Australia is the best.
We have some of the best mutha fuckin cyclones in the world. Cyclone season in North Queensland is like going to Wet n Wild on Acid, and it’s a fucking good thing.
The last earthquake we had was in 1989, and it wasn’t even that bad.
The only real natural threat to our country is bush fires, but our land is mutha fucking girt by sea. So we got it covered.
The last massacre shooting we had was over ten years ago, but it happened in Tasmania, so no one cared anyway. In America and other countries, shootings are standard practice.
In 2002 the world was rocked by what could have been a SARS epidemic. Many thousands died, but Australia didn’t see any threat because we’ve been drinking SARS from a mutha fucking can since 1947.
There is never any real threat of poverty in Australia as long as there are Asians running our 7/11s, And kebab shops open until 4am.
But what makes Australia the fucking balls is our indifference towards one another.
It all began back in the settlement days, when convicts were kicking ass. At some point someone would have realised there was a lot of incest going on, and he was like, lets get rid of these incest’s. So they marched them south to this pointy part of Australia, which would be called Spazmania. Until some spack spelt it wrong years later and it became Tasmania.
So anyway, the smarter Aussies sent all the tards to Spazmania, back when it was still attached to the mainland, then pointed their dicks into the air and started pissing until there was a body of water between the tards and the legends, this body of water would eventually be called the Bass Strait, named after Barry who was adamant that he wasn’t homosexual.
But as if this weren’t enough, in a move that has been given a name, I can’t remember the name. It was something from the old days, like when the King would get an assassin to kill someone, and then get an assassin to kill the assassin, so people knew he meant business. I’d look up the name of it, but I’m too lazy. So anyway, the ones who pissed on Spazmania, were banished, and were left in a hole called Adelaide so that the people on the East Coast could live in style. But someone escaped from Adelaide and made Ipswich, unlucky.
This history is the foundation of Australia’s awesomeness and we have only built on it since then. So please, celebrate your countries legendary history, not by calling in sick tomorrow, but call your boss at 7am and tell him your too fuckin’ maggot to work. Peace.
